This poster describes us all at one point in our lives. We’ve all had to wear different masks. Problems arise when the occasional mask becomes a permanent coping skill and defense mechanism. 

I’ve always been the ‘strong one’ or the ‘helpful one’ and don’t forget the ‘great listener’ and ‘faithful friend.’ Sometimes I’ve embraced those characteristics, but sometimes those attributes have left me alone and hurting because those benefitting never replenished what they took. Very few have taken the time to see my pain past the bravado and laughter. It seem’s to be quite the surprise that I actually do experience the vast array of emotions outside of happiness.

Secretly I’ve always been melancholy. It’s always within arm’s reach. 

Don’t get me wrong… I love to laugh until my stomach feels like I’ve done 100 crunches (or in my case… 10… LOL) and to be joyful is truly Divine. Laughter has been my medicine.

Despite my signature laughter that people have framed me in since childhood I have a river of sadness flowing underneath. At an early age I had to grow up very quickly and deal with a steady stream of adult issues. It is sad that a young child would know about terminal illnesses, dying, death, generational familial issues, crippling personal illness and so on.

I admonish myself with: Such is life. Deal with it. This too shall pass. There are people who are worse off. I am blessed, so what is the issue?

From a young age I learned to be my family’s rock. My friend’s strength. I was the strong one who would stand stoically and help. Comfort. Counsel. Pray with. Hold. Love unconditionally. Require very little in return for great sacrifice.

All the while desperately hurting. Relationship after relationship being one-sided. How can I serve you today? How can I make your life easier? How can I ease your pain? How can I solve your problem that you have somehow made mine?

Very rarely having anything I give to people be reciprocated. Worse yet, not allowing myself the pleasure of having any goodness given to me. Sabotaging myself. Thinking compassion and concern from others indicated weakness in me. I am the strong one. That is my role. Correct? If you comfort me then I am not strong. If you pray for me then you suggest I am weak. If you hold my hand during tough times then I’ve exposed more of myself than I ought. If I receive compassion from you I must reject it lest I be pitied. If you do any of these things then I have failed in my invincible role.

Over the years I have consciously afforded others the opportunity to treat me as I had treated them (in varying capacities). Dealing with the deep hurt that came from my lacking ‘friendships’ has left me retreating like a frightened turtle with each new friend and situation. 

All the while smiling and laughing with a 100 foot wall up that is unperceived by those closest to me.

I am actively working on being whole. Authentic. Transparent. Open to healing. Less guarded. Trusting.

God is healing me. Teaching me. Guiding me.

It has been quite a struggle.

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Normally South Carolina winters are very mild and the worst month is usually February for frigid temps. Contrary to one Al Gore and his Global Warming agenda, this winter has been horribly cold which led me to Target to buy some tights (and boots). I perused the aisles and finally decided that I would buy some purple tights and thus began the horrifying deliberation of sizing. Oh how dreadful figuring out what size you wear on those stupid little packages. Finally I selected the size proportionate to my height/weight/girth… LOL…

Upon my return home I opened the package and was dumbfounded. Positively and completely dumbfounded. What in THE WORLD am I supposed to do with these?

I contemplated laying on the bed and wrestling them on like a wild and angry bear and visualizing my defeat once they refused to go any higher than my knees. Surely, these tights were not packaged correctly and they were supposed to be for a tall 7th grader?

Not the case.

So, I stared at my $5 Target purchase and tried to think of ways I could defy science and get them on… I visualized me wrestling around on my bed tugging and pulling and huffing and puffing and sweat rolling down my red face while thinking unladylike words trying to get the tights on.

I finally give up and settled on the fact that this winter I will have some cold legs because CLEARLY Target was misinformed in their size charts for the …. ummm….. errr….. voluptuous, thick-up, fluffy, big-boned, chunky, thin-challenged, polar opposite of skinTy woman… LOL

I kept thinking of the song, ‘Fat Guy in a Little Coat’…. LOL!!!

I couldn’t believe there was a show out there like this! I’ve never heard of another younger person saying they were retired besides myself… Ho hum… I am not that unique! LOL

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Retired_at_35

My uncle married and had a child. Following in the footsteps of his father he began drinking more heavily. Eventually he lost everything. Wife. Son. Home. Mental clarity. Self-esteem. Dignity.

And so the boy that everyone called, ‘Cartoon’ who always bought me sweets at the store became a homeless alcoholic. Just another statistic. Another faceless number. Just another person to avoid on the street. Another name mentioned at family gatherings wondering if he was dead or alive. Has anyone seen or heard from Carlton was, and is, the common question.

In light of that I have always had a tender spot in my heart for the homeless. As a teenager I volunteered at the Huntington City Mission. I then moved to Charleston, SC and seem to attract them everywhere I go. The first year I moved to Charleston I was going through a lot of emotional issues and I remember going to the park and writing and contemplating life. A man named Danny Ivey was there and he was homeless man who slept in the graveyard at night. Danny approached me in the middle of the gorgeous park where a wedding was taking place and sat down beside me and we talked for nearly an hour. He told me a lot about his life. He had a bottle of beer in a bag and was clearly on the road to becoming inebriated. My heart ached for him, but he touched me more than I could’ve ever imagined. All my personal struggles melted away as I began talking to him about God and telling him who God was in my life and what He could be in Danny’s life. He began weeping, as only a drunk person can, in the middle of a park with a wedding going on behind us. I am sure onlookers were quite confused as I sat there with this unclean man. I asked him if I could pray with him and he said yes, so I did. It was such a beautiful experience for me. He didn’t ask me for any money (matter of fact, he gave me a penny and said, ‘a penny for your thoughts’ and how my words were worth more than that to him that day) and when we separated I was humbled and appreciative.

I’ve read that there are millions of homeless people in the United States and the fastest growing number of homeless are families. That is devastating to me.

Over the years I’ve been blessed to meet many people who have no place to rest their head. Not that it is a blessing for them to be homeless, but that our lives have crossed paths and I’ve been able to hear their stories. I’ve been fortunate enough to be able to volunteer at Crisis Ministries downtown, help out at my church and also doing ministry (feeding, clothing, prayer) on the streets for a couple of years.

During Christmas I went to Myrtle Beach to visit friends and ended up going to the local mall. I despise shopping (and am ‘retired’ aka unemployed) so I opted to sit in the middle of the mall and people watch. I see a woman who is quite disheveled with multiple layers of clothing coming towards me. Her name is Jeanette and she was originally from North Carolina. She was in her 60′s and had moved to Myrtle Beach in the last 10 years to be with her mother who passed away 7 years ago. She had no one. She said the shelters were full every night due to the cold weather and she had been sleeping in the elements. I inquired as to why Jeanette’s face had gashes down the side of it and she told me she had slipped and fallen and was in the hospital for 2 days and almost died. She reeked of urine and told me that she urinated on herself the night before because she was too cold to move. She came to the mall during the day to keep warm and to get money for food. I told her I wish I could do more for her, but one thing I could offer were my prayers for her safety and health (among other things).

Jeanette and I spent quite a bit of time together over lunch and she told me her story. She touched my heart so much. She told me she had been really upset over the last few days because she felt so alone. She said she prayed that God would send her someone to talk to her because she felt like she was losing her mind in her loneliness. She told me I was her angel. Oh, Jeanette, if you only knew how much you touched me.

This past Sunday I was rushing to church and turned into a McDonald’s and there sat a woman who was cold and hungry. She came and knocked on my window and asked me for a ride. NEVER do I give rides.

All I could think was the scriptures in the book of Matthew chapter 25 (http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+25%3A34-46&version=NIV) about how Jesus told the people that how we treat those in need is how we treat Him. ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’

Then I thought of my uncle. I hope people treat him with compassion and kindness.

I told her I would give her a ride and to wait for me. I do not advocate picking people up in any way. I see that it could be very dangerous. I sat in line and prayed for wisdom to know how to handle this situation. I got out of line and told her to get in the car. I drove her through West Ashley and got her something to eat and just talked to her. I invited her to get out of the cold and come to church with me, however she declined. She was a tiny woman probably in her 50′s with mental disability. Wandering the streets. Cold and alone.

I hope this blog honors the men and women I have met through the years and gives a personal face to the homeless we see.

The church I currently attend has a homeless ministry (http://www.postandcourier.com/news/2010/dec/26/getting-into-spirit-of-giving/) that is really taking off. Pastor Tom said that he couldn’t walk through the streets knowing the people he baptized and called ‘brother’ and ‘sister’ in the Lord had no place to lay their heads. That was profound to me.

My heart is that after reading this you pray for these people. Be kind to them. Help them. Minister to them. Sure they are known for their addictions, mental instability, illnesses and even crime. Not everyone that is homeless fits these stereotypes. They can be like you or I. Just an avalanche of tough breaks finally swept them into the huddled masses in the streets. They are someone’s son, daughter, mother, father, cousin, sister, brother, friend or coworker. They were once a child with hopes and dreams. They are God’s creation.

The strangest feelings come over me sometimes… I get ‘homesick’ for Thailand. Isn’t that the oddest thing? For those that don’t know me, I am a white lady living in America in which the only ties I have to Thailand are memories and friends that I met during the six weeks I have traveled through the country over the last 1.5 years.

When I was a young girl my dad had a box of pictures from when he was in Vietnam that I would frequently look through. I am quite sure my mother had censored the majority of the pictures I actually got to see, however I was always mesmerized by the beauty of Asia. During Vietnam my father traveled to Bangkok, Thailand and had pictures of temples and such and I was fascinated by this magical place. I grew up in little unincorporated Ona, West Virginia and had never even seen a skyscraper, much less a temple.

In my early childhood I had a pastor (Billy Cole) who was a missionary to Thailand and would come back and tell magnificent stories of this far away land. He told of mountains and forests and precious people and I knew I wanted to go there one day. I’ve had an affinity for Asian cultures since I was a child. I used to stare at the Vietnamese doll my father passed onto me that he bought during the war and dream of the day I would be able to see women wearing Ao Dai’s (traditional Vietnamese clothing) in person. I was attracted to Buddhism as a teenager and became a vegetarian (which I still practice a form of vegetarianism 18 years later). As an adult it was my mission to travel abroad and since then I’ve only visited Asian countries.

If I were to believe in reincarnation I would have no other choice than to believe that I was Asian in another life. I wouldn’t be able to list all the ways I love each culture as you, the reader, would immediately become bored and stop reading. LOL. I wish I could explain the longing I have to be in Thailand… It would be easier if I could actually trace my ancestry there or some genetic link to make sense of it all, alas I cannot.

Tonight I am sitting with my mother who has traveled 500 miles to be with me. She is the epitome of being ‘home’ yet I am thinking of Thailand. I miss the people. I miss the delicious foods. I miss the countryside and mountains of Chiang Mai. I miss the rice fields and farmland. I miss the emerald waters of Phuket. I miss the chaos and insanity of Bangkok. I miss the green, orange and gold ornate buildings and temples. I miss traveling up and down the Chao Phraya river and returning the gazes of curious Thai’s. I love the challenge of conversing with people with hand gestures and broken English. I miss seeing the gorgeous architecture and ancient history. 

Saying that I am homesick for a country that has never been my home is strange, however a piece of my heart remains there. 

I saw you growing. Becoming more physically beautiful. Cultivating and perfecting the outside. Anywhere you would go people would do one of two things… hate or appreciate. Generally females chose the first and males chose the latter. This fed into the cycle which has become a part of your life. Vanity now has a VIP section in your life as if she thinks she belongs and somehow defines the whole you.

I saw your outward beauty and was in awe just like everyone else, however what cemented my love for you was your heart. Our trips together allowed time to get to know you past all the superficiality that we American’s lazily accept as ‘friendship.’ I heard your beautiful voice singing opera (and also the uncustomary country song we still remember from those days). I saw the artist in you that was so afraid to pick up a pencil or a brush in fear of paralyzing failure. Not ever accepting that although you could, in fact, have a piece of self-expression less than perfect and that growth would actually take place.

The world, and yourself, have been slighted in partaking of the profound beauty that resides within you.

During those years I saw you wavering in your ideals and beliefs. I saw your love for the things of God, but your ego and emotional health was being satiated by male attention and things of the world. Growing up in the home of recognized and talented siblings had to have been difficult. Due to your passive (until the breaking point) personality you somehow got shoved aside while the more gregarious personalities of the family came out. Coming up under a father that never took the time to know who you were on the inside with acceptance was crushing. The voids our fathers have left in us continue to follow us through our lives.

You moved into adulthood with various decisions that may still haunt you. Regrets. Highs and lows. Always seeking to fill voids. Coming back to the Truth you know, only to return to what is comfortable. Easier. Less pressure.

Sometimes we find comfort and familiarity in melancholy routine. When we become so exhausted by life, our decisions, the daily grind, outside influences and our thoughts sometimes we settle. We settle into apathy. We settle into a gray world where nothing is beautiful anymore. Where we exist rather than enjoy and appreciate the small things. We settle into depression and resignation that our circumstances now define us and we are who man says we are.

Oh sure little bumps along the road wake us up and we stand up and fight back against our glum existence and get little victories, but then we settle back into the comfort of dysfunctional familiarity.

Really there are not many things we can actually control in this lifetime, friend. I must encourage you on this point alone; we can control our thoughts. Sure coming from an ADHD person this is extremely difficult at times. Changing out thoughts will affect our feelings which will in turn affect our actions. You want change, real change, in your life? Start demanding your thoughts to be still. Remove negative self talk. Remove music, t.v., internet, movies that don’t add to our spiritual and emotional growth. As Philippians 4 tells us, ‘Finally, brothers, whatever things are true, whatever things are honest, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.’

I see a woman of victory. A woman who can and will break free from generational curses, inept coping skills, defunct thinking and anything else holding her back. God see’s a valuable vessel of honor in you. No matter your decisions in life that has not changed. He loves you. He see’s those beautiful talents inside of you that He placed there. His mercies are new every morning. Each day you awake you can accept His new mercy and walk in it. Without any weight. Without baggage. Without heaviness in your soul.

You know the safest, most restful, most assure, most complete place on this earth is in His presence. Is there any place more complete than in His presence? Can we find any truer peace or fulfillment outside of where God is? Don’t let the fear of failure cause you to lose anymore precious time and moments in this lifetime. Refuse regret and bitterness and embrace freedom in Christ and absolute restoration. 

A safety net is building around you. It may not be tangible or even recognizable from such a great distance, but were here. Waiting. Praying. Rooting for you. You are so intrinsically valuable.

Dear friend of mine… I am waiting for you to come out of your cocoon and fly. Once your transformation is complete you will come through and see the world in its beauty again. You’re in a dark and lonely place right now, but allow God to transform you. When it is time to emerge your legs will be shaky and your wings will be weak, but you will make it. Your past does not determine your future. Today’s thoughts, feelings and actions make all the difference.

I love you my dear friend and I see God in you.

Won’t you see yourself through His eyes today?

Eventually we moved to Chapmanville, West Virginia to be with my father. His mother had abandoned him when he was about 3 years old and he had only recently met her as an adult and began working for her husband. From an adult perspective we were in an awkward situation, but as a child I was happy to be with my dad again and meet my grandmother. My dad was able to find work with the Otis elevator company in Charleston, West Virginia and began commuting back and forth again and we moved to Nitro, West Virginia. We were settled into our new house and the following Monday my father was laid off from Otis.

To compound the stress even more I began to develop a limp and pain in my right leg and hip. I was now five years old and starting school at Nitro Elementary. Our car broke down and my mother and I would have to walk quite a distance to my school every morning. My mom took me to the doctor and found out I had Legg-Calve-Perthes disease which caused my hip to disintegrate. No insurance. No job. Poverty. Hopelessness. Depression. Sadness. Miracles.

Yes, miracles.

My family still owned the house I grew up in from age 6-21 and was renting it out in Ona, West Virginia; therefore the government gave us no welfare or anything. We had little food. I cannot imagine what my parents went through each day to make it by. The weight of our family rested on my father who had never had a stable home in his life. Miracles began taking place.

My parents had recently begun a relationship with the Lord and started attending North Charleston Apostolic Church. They had received salvation around the time my dad had lost his first job and now that we lived in Nitro we were able to go to NCAC. The first miracle that I remember is coming home and groceries filling our house. I later found out that a close friend of the family did this without anyone knowing it was her. I was raised by old school parents who didn’t discuss family business with others; therefore that is why this situation so miraculous. Only God knew what we were going through. Soon thereafter my dad got a great job at Appalachian Electric Power (which he retired from within the last ten years).  

I was diagnosed with Perthes disease and was in and out of the hospital. I had to sleep in traction in a hospital bed with my legs up in the air being pulled out of my hip socket every night. I remember a lot of physical pain. For years I had to wear braces on my legs, but my mom made sure I never felt different and that I always had confidence. The doctor said I would have to have my hip replaced and throughout my growing years I would have additional surgeries. During this process there was a lot of stress in my home. My father was the pragmatic one wanting me to have the surgery whereas my mother pleaded for God to heal me.

I remember being in the hospital and Pastor Billy Cole coming to sit and pray with my mom and I. My father was at his new job and was absent during this time, but Pastor Cole was there so much the doctor actually thought he was my dad. I was taught faith through my mother and Pastor Cole in my early years. She would cry and pray for me while I slept that God would heal me. I knew a lot of pain in various forms before the age of six years old. I also knew of a God that provided infinite hope in hopeless situations. In the end my father won the battle and I was scheduled for surgery. X-rays taken. Surgery preparations underway. Fervent prayers to God for healing were being made.

The morning of my surgery the final x-rays were taken. The doctor came to my mother with a tear rolling down his face and said, ‘Someone upstairs is on your side.’ He then showed her the x-rays from that morning and where there had been no hip, my body was now forming a hip. He said it was better than anything manmade. An undisputed miracle. God had heard my mother and pastor and all that had prayed for me. I stayed in braces from kindergarten until the summer before third grade and then it was finally over.

It seems that I have a cyclical theme that has framed my life which is from despair to hope. Childhood experts say a child’s formative years are birth to age five. My very foundation has abandonment, despair, depression, rejection, pain, hopelessness, sickness and failure. I have this foundation because of poor generational choices, inherited unhealthy & ineffective coping skills, scars and wounds my parents carried and early events that formed me.

With the bad foundation there was also good foundation. I am so grateful that I had a mom who knew God and taught me that nothing is impossible with God. Situations around us are sometimes out of our control, but it is how we view them that makes us who we are. You couldn’t have convinced me I was unable do what other kids did when I was ‘crippled.’ I never knew to feel sorry for myself as that wasn’t even in my realm of knowledge. My mom poured into my foundation love, freedom to be me, confidence, faith, perseverance and the hunger to know God which continues to shape my life today.

I could fill a book full of stories of utter hopelessness to the miraculous that I have seen and experienced in my life. Even now facing unemployment with no unemployment benefits and no jobs out there I feel at peace. Even now receiving what I perceive as rejection from my father it is being replaced with not only the love from my mother but also God and my friends. Even now facing medically uncertain times in my life I know a God where truly nothing is impossible.

My foundation is in God and the possibilities are limitless.

July, my second month of retirement, brought me back to South Carolina with my brother in tow to complete house repairs and to finish landscaping. My air conditioning went out and we also became the HVAC duo during that month. We worked hard and managed to spend about $3,000 of my savings fixing up my house and replacing my air conditioning unit. This month brought about much-needed time with my brother. I hadn’t spent one on one time with him since we were teenagers (if then) and I got to really know him. I was able to share with him my loves (sushi, the beach, my house, my friends, going to church, etc) which made it all the more sweeter.

The beginning of August, my third month of retirement, my friend Ashley and I took my brother back to West Virginia and stayed a week. I was able to go to my childhood church camp, visit with friends and family then finally headed to IKEA in North Carolina (which is my mecca…lol). During the month of August I was loving my new reality of having no structure and no one to answer too. It was great! My social life was popping! I was out nearly every single day with a different friend just living it up. I even spent some time in Myrtle Beach with friends.

This bled over into September and my days started running together. I was up all night sometimes and then ran around all day. Everything was chaotic and I felt like I was in my early 20′s again. A new restaurant several nights a week. Movies anytime I wanted to go. Whatever I wanted to do, I did. My mom came and stayed a week with me at the end of September and we did the tourist thing here in Charleston and just really enjoyed each other.

Fall and winter has always been a rough time of year for me, however this year I went to Asia. This was a milestone in my life. Something I had always wanted to do and was finally able to do it. Simply life-changing. October brought me to Thailand where I stayed for a month and soaked up all the hot weather I could stand before returning in November, my sixth month of retirement.

November was another adjustment altogether. Getting back from a foreign country and acclimating back into American society was a challenge for me. The Daylight Savings time kicked in which led to early nights and lethargic days. The reality of not having a job, a savings account starting to dwindle, not being where I want to be (sad about not being in Thailand) and the weight of not having structure in my life was starting to crush me. I had anticipated my one year anniversary of buying my first house on November 21st, however the closer it got the more I regretted my decision of buying a house. Hence, feeling trapped.

I had a 5 day reprieve in November and was invited to go on a fantastic and magical holiday to Orlando, Florida with my dear friends Joe & Charlotte. We went to Disney World’s Magic Kingdom, Epcot and Animal Kingdom. We ate at awesome restaurants. I got to visit with a childhood friend, Chere, who now lives in Florida. It was one of the best trips I have ever had. I came back and was ready for month seven.

Now entering December I have found out that the government has stopped my unemployment benefits with nothing more than a 2 business day notice. Shocking, to say the least. Unemployment in America keeps you at poverty level, but I was tremendously grateful for that money as it paid my mortgage while I lived off my savings. Closing in on month seven of retirement with no outside source of income has caused me to sober up from my frat house mentality and realize the crap is hitting the fan and I’ve got to get focused. Oh sure, I am an honest person and I did my duty of looking and applying for jobs on a weekly basis, however there was nothing much available and I wasn’t too worried. 

Coming into month seven I have applied to more jobs in recent weeks than I did during all of my retirement with nothing more than thank you letters for my submission. What?! I have sixteen years of customer service experience! Fourteen of sales experience. Eleven years of human resource and administrative experience. I have won so many awards I almost needed a dolly (or as southerners call it a ‘hand truck’) to wheel them all out of my office upon termination. Need a manager? I’ve been one. Need a pragmatic problem solver? Hey, I am your woman.

Alas, nary a position available to spread my wings and show off in front of. 

Upon entering my seventh month of retirement I have been given terrible medical news concerning my health. Although weary, I am still a fighter. My life is ever evolving right now and I am stumbling to keep up. I will keep up though. My new doctor (I am one of millions without medical insurance so now I solicit the medical services of a low-income based medical team) told me today about various things I needed on a continual basis that require money. I told him I would love to accommodate his recommendations, however I don’t have any income. He said (rather flippantly, I may add), ‘well, why don’t you just get a job?’

Did you just say that to a fellow South Carolinian where the unemployment rate has been over 11% forever? Nationally it is 9.8%.

Really?

Instead of punching him in the face and turning the nearest table over, I just smiled and said, ‘yes, I would love to find a job.’

Monetarily I am doing fine and have several more months of no income, living on savings, retirement. I am definitely in a transitional stage now. I have had many years under my belt of doing whatever my heart desires and always having free-flowing funds (because I am a money miser) down to having to cook every day and go to matinée movies. I know, crushing reality. Of course I do enough community work to know my current reality is far better than people around the world and for that alone, I am grateful. I have a beautiful house, comfy bed, paid for car, wonderful experiences, loving friends and family, savings and most of all a God that has never failed me in spite of my shortcomings. In light of what so many people around me and around the world face every single day, I have nothing in comparison to complain about. Nothing. I’ve been very blessed and cannot focus on life’s curve balls that I am getting.

My life is changing fairly rapidly, but I have so many blessings that I am thankful for. No matter what happens in our life we have to be thankful for something. I am most thankful for my relationship with God. My monetary circumstances may change, my health could fade, my friends and family could move on, I could lose all that I’ve worked for, but God is still God and He will always be there for me. Through it all, He has never left me or failed me and for that I am at peace.

And that peace is worth more than all the securities that this world can offer.

 and this week she wrote a blog about me… Thought I would share… Definitely take a moment and read her blog… You will be hooked.

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