When I was a young teen I had a poster on my closet door that was all black with two white faces in the center. The first face was the one in the background etched with sadness with a tear rolling down the cheek. The face in the foreground was an exuberant face full of makeup and smiles being held by a hand in front of the sad face. Laughter masking melancholy.
This poster describes us all at one point in our lives. We’ve all had to wear different masks. Problems arise when the occasional mask becomes a permanent coping skill and defense mechanism.
I’ve always been the ‘strong one’ or the ‘helpful one’ and don’t forget the ‘great listener’ and ‘faithful friend.’ Sometimes I’ve embraced those characteristics, but sometimes those attributes have left me alone and hurting because those benefitting never replenished what they took. Very few have taken the time to see my pain past the bravado and laughter. It seem’s to be quite the surprise that I actually do experience the vast array of emotions outside of happiness.
Secretly I’ve always been melancholy. It’s always within arm’s reach.
Don’t get me wrong… I love to laugh until my stomach feels like I’ve done 100 crunches (or in my case… 10… LOL) and to be joyful is truly Divine. Laughter has been my medicine.
Despite my signature laughter that people have framed me in since childhood I have a river of sadness flowing underneath. At an early age I had to grow up very quickly and deal with a steady stream of adult issues. It is sad that a young child would know about terminal illnesses, dying, death, generational familial issues, crippling personal illness and so on.
I admonish myself with: Such is life. Deal with it. This too shall pass. There are people who are worse off. I am blessed, so what is the issue?
From a young age I learned to be my family’s rock. My friend’s strength. I was the strong one who would stand stoically and help. Comfort. Counsel. Pray with. Hold. Love unconditionally. Require very little in return for great sacrifice.
All the while desperately hurting. Relationship after relationship being one-sided. How can I serve you today? How can I make your life easier? How can I ease your pain? How can I solve your problem that you have somehow made mine?
Very rarely having anything I give to people be reciprocated. Worse yet, not allowing myself the pleasure of having any goodness given to me. Sabotaging myself. Thinking compassion and concern from others indicated weakness in me. I am the strong one. That is my role. Correct? If you comfort me then I am not strong. If you pray for me then you suggest I am weak. If you hold my hand during tough times then I’ve exposed more of myself than I ought. If I receive compassion from you I must reject it lest I be pitied. If you do any of these things then I have failed in my invincible role.
Over the years I have consciously afforded others the opportunity to treat me as I had treated them (in varying capacities). Dealing with the deep hurt that came from my lacking ‘friendships’ has left me retreating like a frightened turtle with each new friend and situation.
All the while smiling and laughing with a 100 foot wall up that is unperceived by those closest to me.
I am actively working on being whole. Authentic. Transparent. Open to healing. Less guarded. Trusting.
God is healing me. Teaching me. Guiding me.
It has been quite a struggle.
.
